Thursday, December 26, 2013

Exposed: the NSA and Mr. Claus or Santa Uses an iPad

Folks, let's be serious, it's 2013 and the phenomenon known as Santa Claus is as strong as ever. But are we so naive to think that the quaint story of the jolly old fellow with the eight tiny reindeer is still going about his business in the same "magical" manner? When Clement Clark Moore wrote his famous poem in 1822, going about in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, flying or not, was an acceptable mode of transportation but even some of the youngest believers have trouble with the physics based on today's world population. Is it magic, science or science fiction? Recently unearthed documents seem to reveal that the truth lies somewhere between these three. Everyone is aware of Edward Snowden's NSA revelations but many are not aware of a select group of papers just coming to light. These are also labeled NSA but with an "I" added: NSAI. This stands for Nordic Santa Alert Intelligence. The papers reveal that Santa Claus did indeed exist at the time of Clement Clark Moore's writing and in fact, was part of a large European family of cousins who were descended from the original gift giver, 3rd century Bishop, Nicholas, later canonized St. Nicholas. They initially began their work in Russia, Turkey and Greece but then branched out to France as Pere Noel, England as Father Christmas, a sister manifested in Italy as the witch, Befana( the brothers thought she was crazy but the Italians fell for the concept, go figure) but most famously in Holland as Sinter Klaus. This iteration immigrated to the new world and the Dutch settlements in New Amsterdam, later New York. For more than a century, the papers indicate that this brotherhood and their helpers who became known as Elves, from the singular Elf. Elf is actually from the German alp and it seems they were industrious mountain folk of short stature originating in the mountains on the Swiss- German border. German Santas also had an " elf" companion Krampus that threatened punishment on those with bad behavior. He was, it seems, a type of behavioral spy reporting to the big fella and alerting him with his little "list". According to the papers the last direct descendant of the original Santa Family died in 1986, at that time the various families. cousins and business partners formed Santa Claus Inc. A corporation, designed to carry on the works of the original family devoted to serving the needs of parents everywhere in helping to arrange and/or deliver gifts to their children on Christmas Eve. Much like the corporate decisions made by the Disney corporation after Walt's passing, the results were predictable but occasionally lackluster. Initially, it seems, it was business as usual with receiving letters that got processed and then implemented through "elf" construction techniques which were amazing incredible copies of mass produced factory items like Cabbage Patch and Barbies. Eventually, they negotiated contracts with Mattel and other manufacturers like Sony, Nintendo and later Apple to become official subcontractors with access to original designs and schematics. Unfortunately, the speed of the hi- tech advances of the mid to late 90's put too much strain on the ELF(Elf Labour Foundation) and a different business model was pursued. At that point the Confederation of Legal Authentic Santas( CLAUS) established new rules for the hierarchy of Santas appearing in department stores and for the term of the elected head Santa at the Corporate North Pole Headquarters which, by the way, was later relocated to an undisclosed location in Lapland to accommodate the Reindeer descendants as there was no need to strain the reindeer with flying loads of toys with the new high speed transport networks that had been utilized for decades.
Negotiations in the 80’s with Bill Gates and Microsoft enabled the group to streamline communications and distribution. Then, further alliances with UPS, FedEx and other delivery services aided in even more streamlined operations. From 2007 on, relations with Apple and the use of the iPhone and then the iPad drastically expedited order processing, wish list management and good and bad child list checking. With this implementation, parents can become informed of their child's wish list and be directed to purchase the items with moneys deposited to their bank accounts and credit cards from the NSAI.  It also, seems that a deal with NASA and the NSA have especially innovated on two fronts. The NSAI have been allowed access to certain of the NSA's surveillance operations that have really helped to perfect the good and bad child behavior tracking. The technology allows them to tap into all surveillance cameras and various  communication devices like mobile phones, video game devices, computers, tablets and TV's around the world( have you never noticed that there are screens everywhere and they ARE two way).  Of course, there is also the robotics in the seemingly innocuous "Elf on a shelf". Parents think they have to play games with the position of the "Elf" to fool their offspring into positive behavior when the truth is that the technology is far more advanced than that. And finally, drone technology from the US Military has innovated deliveries and a deal between the NSAI andJeff Bezo's will allow that much rumored tech to be implemented for Amazon in the future, in exchange for extra order fulfillment for the NSAI. The need to drop down a chimney disappeared decades ago. The NSAI has used pre delivery services and parental assistance for years. The disappearing cookies, milk and carrots for the reindeer are either consumed by family or collected and distributed at local food banks. So, parents should should really consider stopping the convenient but all too full of holes stories about the magical Santa and his reindeer, it might be quaint for the young ones but really dumb especially for the older media savvy child. It is simply easier to tell them the truth and they might continue belief until marriage age. It is the 21st century, people, and yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he does, in fact, see you when you are sleeping and awake and  does, indeed, know if you have been bad or good.  So, just be GOOD. Merry Christmas!!!!